Rabid Ramblings

My mouth has a disease. This is not a recent discovery but a vocalization of the truth. Sarcastic ill-tempered words foam at my mouth and spill out, unprovoked, when I am spoken to. It's almost uncontrollable as if the connection between my brain and my mouth has short circuited. There is an underlying cause I'm afraid, and my frustration has reached it's peak today.

I have one heck of a husband to have dealt with all of this for our entire married life. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis shortly after high school. Excruciatingly crippling cramps during my period prompted me to see an obgyn. They were convinced that it was Endometriosis and performed a diagnostic laparoscopy during which they discovered it and proceeded to cauterize the endometrial lesions, hoping to stop the growth. It was unsuccessful so one year later I had another surgery followed by my first taste of menopause. I received a shot once a month for the next six months of Depot Lupron, which mimics menopause by lowering the estrogen. I was plagued by hot flashes, night sweats (my husband still teases me to this day, although I could find no humor in it at the time), and various uncomfortable side effects. The lowering of the estrogen causes the growths to shrink and hopefully disappear. Upon completion of my treatment my doc. gave me a folder that contained infertility information and told me that I would probably never conceive so if I ever wanted to have children I should try now since I had just completed my treatment. (Ok I have to laugh now. Ha Ha Ha Ha... Thank God for comic relief! Obviously he was wrong.)

We found out about a month later that I was pregnant with Ethan, our first miracle. Since pregnancy keeps the endometrial lesions from growing I have only had mild pain since then. It has now, unfortunately, returned with a vengeance. I have fear this time, though. Not regular scared-of-the-dark fear but ominous, pending doom fear. I don't remember ever feeling like this before.

I have seen my doc. this week and we discussed possibilities and treatment options. I've been on my cycle more than off since I had the baby in July. It was only twice/month but has progressed to three/month. Three regular periods... I have lost all control over my moods and emotions due to my constant hormonal imbalance.

My doc. gave me a script for some blood work followed by an appointment next Tuesday for an ultrasound. A surgery will be scheduled as soon as possible following my ultrasound. I'm having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and a tubal. Meanwhile I am going to research the other possible causes which he said are polyps, fibroids, chocolate cysts, or cancer - the latter being extremely rare, especially in someone my age.

Although this has been deemed my "crisis year" since I have reached the prodigious milestone of thirty years, I do realize that in the whole grand scheme of things I am and will remain young for a very long time. My fear stems, I think, from recognizing that my invincibility could crumble.
I know that the doctors have to give every possible explanation to the patient so some ignorant idiot doesn't sue for malpractice. I also know that the chances of me having cancer are probably very close to zero. But... the "c" word was said and for me that means lots of thinking and worrying. I can still hear my mom's voice telling me, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." One of the many verses she would lovingly quote to me when I needed a subtle reminder on how to live my life.