I have not felt the need or have even wanted to blog lately. My mind is overflowing with words to log, activities, thoughts, desires... In fact, so much that I have found it difficult to slow down and find rest at the end of the day. So, here i sit...

I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.

We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.

Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!

As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.

Tatoo

I have finally made my appointment with Tim the tatoo man for Thursday at 5:30. I'll post a pic after it's finished.

Untitled

Peace reigns in the Mack house this radiant Tuesday morning. Ethan is reading without complaining and the girls are happily running a restaurant in their playhouse. Breakfast has been cleaned up, the floors swept, and I have managed to steal a few minutes to log the morning's activities. A rarity lately.

Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!

My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!

Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.

Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.

Decision Time

The pain is excruciating today. It's radiating all throughout my right side and my lower belly, a burning constant throb. My emotions are getting the best of me. I have exhausted my mind researching and contemplating the choices available and it is time to decide. My doc's diagnosis - Adenomyosis, Severe Pelvic Congestion Syndrome, Endometriosis, and Cysts, but no cancer!! The biopsies all came back negative and I am so extremely relieved. I have cut it down to two choices. Either a tubal and removal of my right ovary or a subtotal hysterectomy with removal of my right ovary. With the tubal, I would not begin menopause but would still have some pain from the adenomyosis. The hysterectomy is supposed to cure the adenomyosis but I would begin menopause. Which is more beneficial long term? I have no idea. I am anticipating a call from my doc today to talk about it more and make my decision.

I pray the sunshine can override this melancholy mood.

Invincibility

I have no interest in writing tonight. My recovery, until this evening, was going fairly well. I am currently nauseated and hot, probably a result of doing too much too soon. I blame it on the warmth of the sun today. I am invincible on days like this and I acquire abilities that seem superhuman to me. My house is immaculate, we have two life sized snowmen dressed to the nines in their scarves, hats, and sunglasses, I danced and sang and laughed, shopped (and shopped), and decided on my next tattoo. . . An unexpected exuberance temporarily replaced the chronic contentiousness and irritability that has weighed on my heart for months. Sometimes I wish there was someone to critique and analyze me, to mediate between myself and my actions. I guess, then, I would have no excuse for the spontaneity or random impulsive acts I seldom have the opportunity to enjoy. Carpe Diem!