Incompetent

Word Of The Day: Incompetent - in·com·pe·tent

Pronunciation:

\(ˌ)in-ˈkäm-pə-tənt\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Middle French incompétent, from in- + compétent competent

Date:

1595

1: not legally qualified
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly <incompetent heart valves>

— incompetent noun
(quoted from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)

Surgery has been scheduled for Monday at 2. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This was hard enough in the past when surgery was in the early morning, but now it means going without food and drink for over 12 hours! I will have to search for things to occupy my mind so I don't actually feel my stomach digesting itself. We had to postpone it this past Tuesday due to insurance issues. They were supposed to give approval for me to have a tubal during the operation since they were already going to be inside my belly, but they chose not to. Incompetent fools. Not only do I now have to have two surgeries but they will also end up paying more money out of their pockets. I have yet to find the logic in this situation.

Incompetence is running rampant it seems. I worked tonight (and every night I'm there) with someone who suffers severely with this. My patience I have tried so hard to keep is dwindling rapidly. I have embarrassingly been known to operate somewhat like a bomb or grenade or some other device that blows up randomly out of nowhere after tolerating things for so long. There have been many times I have offered kind suggestions to her but none have been taken. None. My next option, since I have confronted her, is to speak with my boss which is thankfully not intimidating. She is easygoing and approachable - and what's funny is she used to be Brian's babysitter :)

Tomorrow is a new day. We are going to be lazy in the morning then I would like to find a babysitter and have a good hard workout before I hit the grocery store.

Sleeplessness...

Insomnia. . . Tends to provoke thoughts of wisdom and words of delirium. Add a few glasses of wine and the truth reveals itself.

Truths about me:

*I absolutely LOVE to find beauty and life in everything. Not only that, but I feel the need to cherish it. Life is precious. Beauty is vain, yes, but recognizing in awe the beauty of what has been created by God for us is truly amazing.

*That being said, I'm sticking to the "Carpe Diem" theory. This may be your last day. Live it to the fullest and never hesitate to speak the truth

*I claim to be tough, which I believe to be true, but I do secretly like to be girly. I find pleasure in letting someone else massage me and pamper me. I like to wear heels because they make my legs look great. If i had them, I would wear skirts (with heels). I can't remember the last time i wore a skirt or dress!

*I long for close relationships with people. I have a few but tend to be very cautious as to who I allow to discover me.

*I have a heart for missions. I am not close to God as I once was but am working on rebuilding that relationship. My life changed when I was on that mission trip to Guatemala. I had gotten "saved" when I was 5. I said the prayer and believed it to be true but never really understood what it meant to be a follower of God until I was 16. It started as a lustful longing for a boy in my youth group. I raised money thinking that I was doing the right thing by wanting to be a missionary of my faith to people of another country but my whole goal was to go on a trip with this boy. I'm not sure I will ever be able to express what happened on this mission trip. It was by far the most amazing thing to have happen to me in my lifetime. Having my children was an experience but to see God work the way He did on this trip was life changing. To remember it is convicting in itself.

*Music is a big part of my life and always will be. I will return to my previous career as a professional musician someday. Someday soon.

*I love to listen to live music. Genre unspecified, as long as the musician(s) are competent in their field.

*I LOVE food and I love to eat! All of it, except bratwurst. Ugh!

*I am a romantic. I love being swept off my feet. I love catching my breath in a moment of ecstasy. And I love "special" things - no matter how small.

*If I had the means, I would take a day to shop and spend endless amounts of money.

*I want to go on a Caribbean cruise - very soon. Maybe next month.

*I am using this blog to find myself. Selfish, maybe, but I want to know myself. In the midst of 5 kids, husband, school, work. . . I want to be strong in my beliefs, my emotions, and my sanity.

Ultrasound Update

So... my doctor's assistant called on Friday and told me surgery needs to be as soon as possible and asked if I could keep Tuesday open because they were going to try to get me in that day. She is going to call on Monday and give me the details. Apparently she has to get clearance from the insurance for me to go to another hospital other than the one covered since part of the surgery is not performed where I usually go. During that whole conversation, everything she said just whizzed past me. My mind was on overdrive and I failed to ask important questions that might have put my mind at ease a little.

Meanwhile, my belly is severely bloated, from what I don't know. I knew during the ultrasound last week when the technician was shoving and ramming that wand around inside of me that there would be some lingering pain, but I never thought it would be this bad. She (technician) spent a lot of time on the right side, where most of my pain has been for the past 10 years. My right ovary is covered in cysts - some big some small - and is quite a bit larger than the other one. I have had a cyst before but this is different. I really didn't know what I was looking at for the rest of the ultrasound when she was measuring my uterus and looking for various different abnormalities. I tried to read her face, too, but she was only grimacing while she was pushing on my right ovary.

I am a worrier. It is a terrible fault, but I seem incapable of shedding this flaw. I have spent the past few evenings educating myself of the options and possibilities based off of my symptoms and results of the ultrasound. Not to self-diagnose, but to be educated and equipped to ask appropriate questions relating to my body, the specifics of what will be done to it, and why. The thought of going into it blindly is overwhelming, especially considering the urgency which is weighing heavily on my mind. Why so soon? So many questions. . .

Hmmm

Recently I've been struggling with the notion of sending Ethan and Alaina to school next year instead of homeschooling. My heart is with homeschooling but I want to make sure I'm making the best decision for them.

Diet

I am so excited about the sunshine today! I am refreshed and energetic. It is only January but I am anticipating the upcoming spring and the end of this dismal season.

Today begins my "diet". I have no desire to lose weight as in actual pounds but I would like to flatten my unshapely midsection and build some muscle. Six meals/day and at least 30 min each day cardio and weights. Brian is going to help me with proportions and calories since I can't even find time in my day to urinate without multitasking. My goal is to see noticeable improvement in three weeks then re-evaluate and continue on. In order for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle my BMI - body fat percentage - needs to decrease considerably.

My husband, his parents, and myself went to watch Gran Torino last night and what an exceptional film! The language was extremely rough but, in my opinion, necessary to the realism of the subject matter. It captured my attention right from the beginning but what struck me the most was the final few scenes. Most movies have some sort of unexpected ending but the magnitude of this particular character's intent is something I walked away with thinking "Do I have what it takes to defend what I believe?". I would hope so but honestly I don't think I do.

That being said, there is a second part to my "diet". My belief is in order to have ideal health the body, mind, and soul need to be in tune. Now before I am wrongly understood, I am not some incense sniffing hippie, although some of that does smell good... *grin* I am a Bible believing Christian and I believe that for me to have peace in my day to day life I need to eat healthy, exercise, spend time reading and praying, and developing relationships with people outside of my home. That is the only way I think I could become the wife and mother God intended me to be.

Sangria

On a better note I am sitting here craving the distinctive tastes of Tapas. Tapas and sangria. Mmmmm. Off to sleep for now.

Rabid Ramblings

My mouth has a disease. This is not a recent discovery but a vocalization of the truth. Sarcastic ill-tempered words foam at my mouth and spill out, unprovoked, when I am spoken to. It's almost uncontrollable as if the connection between my brain and my mouth has short circuited. There is an underlying cause I'm afraid, and my frustration has reached it's peak today.

I have one heck of a husband to have dealt with all of this for our entire married life. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis shortly after high school. Excruciatingly crippling cramps during my period prompted me to see an obgyn. They were convinced that it was Endometriosis and performed a diagnostic laparoscopy during which they discovered it and proceeded to cauterize the endometrial lesions, hoping to stop the growth. It was unsuccessful so one year later I had another surgery followed by my first taste of menopause. I received a shot once a month for the next six months of Depot Lupron, which mimics menopause by lowering the estrogen. I was plagued by hot flashes, night sweats (my husband still teases me to this day, although I could find no humor in it at the time), and various uncomfortable side effects. The lowering of the estrogen causes the growths to shrink and hopefully disappear. Upon completion of my treatment my doc. gave me a folder that contained infertility information and told me that I would probably never conceive so if I ever wanted to have children I should try now since I had just completed my treatment. (Ok I have to laugh now. Ha Ha Ha Ha... Thank God for comic relief! Obviously he was wrong.)

We found out about a month later that I was pregnant with Ethan, our first miracle. Since pregnancy keeps the endometrial lesions from growing I have only had mild pain since then. It has now, unfortunately, returned with a vengeance. I have fear this time, though. Not regular scared-of-the-dark fear but ominous, pending doom fear. I don't remember ever feeling like this before.

I have seen my doc. this week and we discussed possibilities and treatment options. I've been on my cycle more than off since I had the baby in July. It was only twice/month but has progressed to three/month. Three regular periods... I have lost all control over my moods and emotions due to my constant hormonal imbalance.

My doc. gave me a script for some blood work followed by an appointment next Tuesday for an ultrasound. A surgery will be scheduled as soon as possible following my ultrasound. I'm having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and a tubal. Meanwhile I am going to research the other possible causes which he said are polyps, fibroids, chocolate cysts, or cancer - the latter being extremely rare, especially in someone my age.

Although this has been deemed my "crisis year" since I have reached the prodigious milestone of thirty years, I do realize that in the whole grand scheme of things I am and will remain young for a very long time. My fear stems, I think, from recognizing that my invincibility could crumble.
I know that the doctors have to give every possible explanation to the patient so some ignorant idiot doesn't sue for malpractice. I also know that the chances of me having cancer are probably very close to zero. But... the "c" word was said and for me that means lots of thinking and worrying. I can still hear my mom's voice telling me, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." One of the many verses she would lovingly quote to me when I needed a subtle reminder on how to live my life.

Vomit and Blood

Today has undoubtedly been one of those days... If the craziness could have all been a dream I would have dreamt that I was a character in an H.G. Wells, The Time Machine, version of life in the Mack house. Surely after traveling back in time to relive the morning, my choice of attitude would have been much, much better, right?

Vomit and blood. That's how it all started. It was 6AM and the shrill screams of my oldest daughter, Alaina, rang throughout the house, jolting my eyes wide open. Jocelyn had thrown up something red and chunky all over herself, her dankies (blankets), and her gwuggy (pacifier).
Meanwhile my little monkey, Gwen, had climbed on the top of her brother's bunk and hung upside down to see what all the commotion was about since Jocelyn sleeps on the bottom of the bunk, then fell and landed on her head, somehow getting a bloody nose.
So the morning continued on. I, in my not so chipper state, rinsed all the dankies, sheets, the comforter, pillow, and the last precious gwuggy then put it all in the washers downstairs while at the same time preparing a bath for my Baby J and warming the skillet for breakfast. Ethan, thankfully, read and worked on phonics and handwriting without arguing or complaining while I made cheesy eggs and syrup and dressed Jocelyn. Alaina and Gwen colored at - and on - the table and sang a wonderful and very modern atonal rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb, over and over and over and over and over again. Then the kids ate while I sat to feed little Ani a bottle and try to recapture my enthusiasm for the long awaited, beautifully sun-drenched morning. The moment was short-lived but I was still grateful because those small, almost nonexistant times during the day can be so refreshing - especially in the wee hours of the morning when I'm just not ready to be needed.

School is only a half day today and I plan to spend the rest of my time before work with the kids, playing and loving and enjoying the privilege of being the mother of my five precious little miracles.