My fingers have touched the corner of the tattered paper, anticipating the beginning of the next chapter of my life. So eager to turn the page, yet consumed with anxiety... Brian and I have agreed to separate. Hopefully this hiatus will alleviate some tension in the house for the kids and allow us to focus on working on some serious issues that have torn the ties that bind us as one. Fear of the unknown is making it difficult to be at peace, though. Our goal is reconciliation but there is always a possibility that the damage is too great...
Every once in a while I read something that makes an impression and gives hope.
"There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs."
Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
by John and Stasi Eldredge
It was like a whisper to my heart from the book itself
Those words really made me think while reading during quiet time here in the Mack house. Consider it a personal revelation. "She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale." Sounds sadly familiar... I would like to become truly captivating, become feminine and alive! For now though, it's a work in progress.
Another post filled with jumbled thoughts...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
leaves splashed bright with autumn color rained down from the barren limbs arched above the road, forming what the kids refer to as a tree tunnel. they gazed out the car window in silent awe at the rays of sunshine peeking in through the branches, gnarled like the gaunt weathered fingers of a decrepit old woman. the road twisted and turned in and out of tree tunnels, and thin wisps of leaf smoke danced in through the open car windows from the old farmhouse set back away from the road.
we arrive at the park armed with a football, a rake, drinks, and KFC, and begin the search for the ideal spot. conditions must be perfect they said, and rattled off a list of requirements: sunny, warm, filled with leaves, close to a trail... unable to contain their excitement, little blips of squeals and giggles escaped through their little hands clasped so tightly over their lips.
there it was through an opening in the trees! i passed out crispy chicken to my five little slobbering carnivores who, instead of sitting like well trained respectable boring children, decided to explore the grounds. i, on the other hand, sat on the rickety picnic table and watched them eagerly searching for squirrels and bugs and rocks, stuffing little treasures into their pockets as they go.
we climbed atop a fallen rotten tree covered with small mushrooms and bright green moss as if it were a balance beam with arms extended to either side then leaned over the side to count the rings. 99 years old! then we spent quite a bit of time walking along the creek listening to the sweet song of an unfamiliar bird and the babble of the water as it rushed over a sunken tree splintered by a lightning storm.
ethan navigated the way back out of the woods and we finished the adventure by jumping and dancing in a giant leaf pile and playing some football before heading back through the tree tunnels towards home.
we arrive at the park armed with a football, a rake, drinks, and KFC, and begin the search for the ideal spot. conditions must be perfect they said, and rattled off a list of requirements: sunny, warm, filled with leaves, close to a trail... unable to contain their excitement, little blips of squeals and giggles escaped through their little hands clasped so tightly over their lips.
there it was through an opening in the trees! i passed out crispy chicken to my five little slobbering carnivores who, instead of sitting like well trained respectable boring children, decided to explore the grounds. i, on the other hand, sat on the rickety picnic table and watched them eagerly searching for squirrels and bugs and rocks, stuffing little treasures into their pockets as they go.
we climbed atop a fallen rotten tree covered with small mushrooms and bright green moss as if it were a balance beam with arms extended to either side then leaned over the side to count the rings. 99 years old! then we spent quite a bit of time walking along the creek listening to the sweet song of an unfamiliar bird and the babble of the water as it rushed over a sunken tree splintered by a lightning storm.
ethan navigated the way back out of the woods and we finished the adventure by jumping and dancing in a giant leaf pile and playing some football before heading back through the tree tunnels towards home.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Bad Move
Leaving a friend's house at 2am last night I am racing down Combs Rd. singing, with the music up and all windows down, feeling the sultry breeze blow through my hair. It felt so good... Then my breath catches in my throat and I slam on the brakes, praying my 2 ton SUV can stop before I hit this man walking down the middle of the road. He didn't move as I squealed closer - didn't even flinch! I swerved around him almost knocking out a mailbox and he just watched me. I was unable to keep my hands and feet from shaking and my heart was racing out of control. His face looked wet and was waving his thumb obviously looking for a ride somewhere so I turned around and headed back to find him, to see if he needed help or a phone call. I slipped my knife out of my pocket, switched off the safety, and put it between my legs with my right index finger on the blade's trigger just in case... When I pulled up I rolled down the window and noticed he was about 16 or 17 and his face was covered in blood. It looked as if he had the shit beat right out of him and the piercing underneath his lower lip had been torn. Trying so hard not to lecture him with "what the hell are you doing! you could have gotten yourself killed!", or any of the other thoughts racing through my head, I asked if he needed help. He said he just needed a ride to his mom's house and he had gotten jumped by some guys. I asked him for an address and if he could describe where it was to me and he was able. He seemed genuine and was not visibly out of his right mind so I told him to get in and took him home.
Good idea or bad idea? I'm not completely sure. I tried to make the best decision and was glad to help but also prayed for God to spare my life as I drove this stranger to his destination.
Good idea or bad idea? I'm not completely sure. I tried to make the best decision and was glad to help but also prayed for God to spare my life as I drove this stranger to his destination.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Happiness
I walked outside tonight after kissing my kids goodnight and the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle filled my nostrils. My eyes slowly closed as I inhaled the cool air deep inside my lungs, and any remaining stress was released as i slowly exhaled. I sat in my temporary patio chair (temporary - meaning the chair I will use until the patio is finally poured and everything is complete) and faced west to watch the light fade away into the eve of the night. At that point in time my brain had slowed enough to where I was not in a constant overwhelming state of overdrive and I was able to enjoy the moment.
I feel new, with absolutely no pain in my belly. It has been 17 years since I've felt this good. 17 years... The surgery went very well with only some minor complications. The "Davinci robot" performed the surgery and took out my uterus, cervix, and one ovary through four inch-long incisions across the middle of my belly. It's amazing how medicine has advanced... My doc let me see the robot and everything before the surgery per my request, then the anasthesia swept me off into a very deep sleep. I woke with quite a bit of discomfort but the morphine was amazing. (I did wish death upon myself once, though, after I sneezed) My blood pressure dropped to around 80 over 40, sometimes a little less, and my one night stay turned into 4. Well that and my inability to urinate without a catheter. I think I had 13 or 15 different caths... It was an odd feeling to have a bladder full enough to burst and just not be able to go. Both of those ended up being side effects of meds. The blood pressure fall was due to the morphine and the other was from an anti-nausea patch behind my ear. I went home on the fifth day and have to say I don't really remember much that first week, probably from the potent meds I was on. Healing took longer than I expected but I am also extremely impatient. I also had to be cauterized three times on the inside where my cervix was. The only thing I can think to compare it to is imagining a blow torch being blown up inside me.
I am now fully recovered and it is amazing!!! I am running a couple miles a day now and starting to tone up the old bod again.
I feel new, with absolutely no pain in my belly. It has been 17 years since I've felt this good. 17 years... The surgery went very well with only some minor complications. The "Davinci robot" performed the surgery and took out my uterus, cervix, and one ovary through four inch-long incisions across the middle of my belly. It's amazing how medicine has advanced... My doc let me see the robot and everything before the surgery per my request, then the anasthesia swept me off into a very deep sleep. I woke with quite a bit of discomfort but the morphine was amazing. (I did wish death upon myself once, though, after I sneezed) My blood pressure dropped to around 80 over 40, sometimes a little less, and my one night stay turned into 4. Well that and my inability to urinate without a catheter. I think I had 13 or 15 different caths... It was an odd feeling to have a bladder full enough to burst and just not be able to go. Both of those ended up being side effects of meds. The blood pressure fall was due to the morphine and the other was from an anti-nausea patch behind my ear. I went home on the fifth day and have to say I don't really remember much that first week, probably from the potent meds I was on. Healing took longer than I expected but I am also extremely impatient. I also had to be cauterized three times on the inside where my cervix was. The only thing I can think to compare it to is imagining a blow torch being blown up inside me.
I am now fully recovered and it is amazing!!! I am running a couple miles a day now and starting to tone up the old bod again.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Cabin Fever
It's 1:00am and the forecast still says 70 degrees! The changing season is giving me a terrible case of cabin fever. Subtle hints of spring flirt with my senses as the breeze tickles my skin, making me long for the warm nights and longer days. I dream of the sweet fragrant honeysuckle and dirt in my nails while gardening, playing outside until the fireflies lights glow and fade in the darkness, and the smell of a warm rain...
Oh my thoughts are a jumble tonight. So much on my mind... I have found this blog to be a place to organize my thoughts and express myself but at the same time I do not want this to become some depressing, for lack of a better term, bitch log.
Reluctantly I am going to end this blog with the day's events.
* I have decided to enroll Ethan and Alaina in school. I pray it is the right decision. Homeschooling is great and has worked out very well in all aspects, but timing seems right this year. My only fear is that they could lose their love for learning being "tied down". I have always loved and passionately believed in the three learning styles: audial, visual, and kinesthetic. I believe every student especially excells in one of those areas. Alternative learning in exploring, feeling, researching, and experiencing has been something I had wanted to pass onto the kids. There can be an excitement in learning something new and really digging into it. I guess I fear them losing the love.
* I have decided how to use my spending money from the tax return. I will have a concrete patio poured outside the front door in the courtyard area either done by myself or pay someone to do it, buy some patio furniture and plant my herbs in decorative pots. I will also plan a small getaway - with no kids or husband. I need some time. This year has been my crisis year, but not really in the sense of an actual crisis, more like a turning point. I am realizing who "I" am and finding myself. Sometimes it seems so selfish but other times I feel it's necessary to develop a strong sense of self to be a good mother and wife. I have lived to please other people my whole life and am just now learning to say no. It is exhilerating! There are so many more thoughts on this topic. I'm not really sure I'm ready to blog them all yet but I'm sure it will make for a good one later.
Sleep is calling me - finally...
Oh my thoughts are a jumble tonight. So much on my mind... I have found this blog to be a place to organize my thoughts and express myself but at the same time I do not want this to become some depressing, for lack of a better term, bitch log.
Reluctantly I am going to end this blog with the day's events.
* I have decided to enroll Ethan and Alaina in school. I pray it is the right decision. Homeschooling is great and has worked out very well in all aspects, but timing seems right this year. My only fear is that they could lose their love for learning being "tied down". I have always loved and passionately believed in the three learning styles: audial, visual, and kinesthetic. I believe every student especially excells in one of those areas. Alternative learning in exploring, feeling, researching, and experiencing has been something I had wanted to pass onto the kids. There can be an excitement in learning something new and really digging into it. I guess I fear them losing the love.
* I have decided how to use my spending money from the tax return. I will have a concrete patio poured outside the front door in the courtyard area either done by myself or pay someone to do it, buy some patio furniture and plant my herbs in decorative pots. I will also plan a small getaway - with no kids or husband. I need some time. This year has been my crisis year, but not really in the sense of an actual crisis, more like a turning point. I am realizing who "I" am and finding myself. Sometimes it seems so selfish but other times I feel it's necessary to develop a strong sense of self to be a good mother and wife. I have lived to please other people my whole life and am just now learning to say no. It is exhilerating! There are so many more thoughts on this topic. I'm not really sure I'm ready to blog them all yet but I'm sure it will make for a good one later.
Sleep is calling me - finally...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I have not felt the need or have even wanted to blog lately. My mind is overflowing with words to log, activities, thoughts, desires... In fact, so much that I have found it difficult to slow down and find rest at the end of the day. So, here i sit...
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tatoo
I have finally made my appointment with Tim the tatoo man for Thursday at 5:30. I'll post a pic after it's finished.
Untitled
Peace reigns in the Mack house this radiant Tuesday morning. Ethan is reading without complaining and the girls are happily running a restaurant in their playhouse. Breakfast has been cleaned up, the floors swept, and I have managed to steal a few minutes to log the morning's activities. A rarity lately.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Decision Time
The pain is excruciating today. It's radiating all throughout my right side and my lower belly, a burning constant throb. My emotions are getting the best of me. I have exhausted my mind researching and contemplating the choices available and it is time to decide. My doc's diagnosis - Adenomyosis, Severe Pelvic Congestion Syndrome, Endometriosis, and Cysts, but no cancer!! The biopsies all came back negative and I am so extremely relieved. I have cut it down to two choices. Either a tubal and removal of my right ovary or a subtotal hysterectomy with removal of my right ovary. With the tubal, I would not begin menopause but would still have some pain from the adenomyosis. The hysterectomy is supposed to cure the adenomyosis but I would begin menopause. Which is more beneficial long term? I have no idea. I am anticipating a call from my doc today to talk about it more and make my decision.
I pray the sunshine can override this melancholy mood.
I pray the sunshine can override this melancholy mood.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Invincibility
I have no interest in writing tonight. My recovery, until this evening, was going fairly well. I am currently nauseated and hot, probably a result of doing too much too soon. I blame it on the warmth of the sun today. I am invincible on days like this and I acquire abilities that seem superhuman to me. My house is immaculate, we have two life sized snowmen dressed to the nines in their scarves, hats, and sunglasses, I danced and sang and laughed, shopped (and shopped), and decided on my next tattoo. . . An unexpected exuberance temporarily replaced the chronic contentiousness and irritability that has weighed on my heart for months. Sometimes I wish there was someone to critique and analyze me, to mediate between myself and my actions. I guess, then, I would have no excuse for the spontaneity or random impulsive acts I seldom have the opportunity to enjoy. Carpe Diem!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Incompetent
Word Of The Day: Incompetent - in·com·pe·tent
Surgery has been scheduled for Monday at 2. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This was hard enough in the past when surgery was in the early morning, but now it means going without food and drink for over 12 hours! I will have to search for things to occupy my mind so I don't actually feel my stomach digesting itself. We had to postpone it this past Tuesday due to insurance issues. They were supposed to give approval for me to have a tubal during the operation since they were already going to be inside my belly, but they chose not to. Incompetent fools. Not only do I now have to have two surgeries but they will also end up paying more money out of their pockets. I have yet to find the logic in this situation.
Incompetence is running rampant it seems. I worked tonight (and every night I'm there) with someone who suffers severely with this. My patience I have tried so hard to keep is dwindling rapidly. I have embarrassingly been known to operate somewhat like a bomb or grenade or some other device that blows up randomly out of nowhere after tolerating things for so long. There have been many times I have offered kind suggestions to her but none have been taken. None. My next option, since I have confronted her, is to speak with my boss which is thankfully not intimidating. She is easygoing and approachable - and what's funny is she used to be Brian's babysitter :)
Tomorrow is a new day. We are going to be lazy in the morning then I would like to find a babysitter and have a good hard workout before I hit the grocery store.
- Pronunciation:
- \(ˌ)in-ˈkäm-pə-tənt\
- Function:
- adjective
- Etymology:
- Middle French incompétent, from in- + compétent competent
- Date:
- 1595
1: not legally qualified
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly <incompetent heart valves>
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly <incompetent heart valves>
— incompetent noun
(quoted from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
(quoted from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
Surgery has been scheduled for Monday at 2. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This was hard enough in the past when surgery was in the early morning, but now it means going without food and drink for over 12 hours! I will have to search for things to occupy my mind so I don't actually feel my stomach digesting itself. We had to postpone it this past Tuesday due to insurance issues. They were supposed to give approval for me to have a tubal during the operation since they were already going to be inside my belly, but they chose not to. Incompetent fools. Not only do I now have to have two surgeries but they will also end up paying more money out of their pockets. I have yet to find the logic in this situation.
Incompetence is running rampant it seems. I worked tonight (and every night I'm there) with someone who suffers severely with this. My patience I have tried so hard to keep is dwindling rapidly. I have embarrassingly been known to operate somewhat like a bomb or grenade or some other device that blows up randomly out of nowhere after tolerating things for so long. There have been many times I have offered kind suggestions to her but none have been taken. None. My next option, since I have confronted her, is to speak with my boss which is thankfully not intimidating. She is easygoing and approachable - and what's funny is she used to be Brian's babysitter :)
Tomorrow is a new day. We are going to be lazy in the morning then I would like to find a babysitter and have a good hard workout before I hit the grocery store.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sleeplessness...
Insomnia. . . Tends to provoke thoughts of wisdom and words of delirium. Add a few glasses of wine and the truth reveals itself.
Truths about me:
*I absolutely LOVE to find beauty and life in everything. Not only that, but I feel the need to cherish it. Life is precious. Beauty is vain, yes, but recognizing in awe the beauty of what has been created by God for us is truly amazing.
*That being said, I'm sticking to the "Carpe Diem" theory. This may be your last day. Live it to the fullest and never hesitate to speak the truth
*I claim to be tough, which I believe to be true, but I do secretly like to be girly. I find pleasure in letting someone else massage me and pamper me. I like to wear heels because they make my legs look great. If i had them, I would wear skirts (with heels). I can't remember the last time i wore a skirt or dress!
*I long for close relationships with people. I have a few but tend to be very cautious as to who I allow to discover me.
*I have a heart for missions. I am not close to God as I once was but am working on rebuilding that relationship. My life changed when I was on that mission trip to Guatemala. I had gotten "saved" when I was 5. I said the prayer and believed it to be true but never really understood what it meant to be a follower of God until I was 16. It started as a lustful longing for a boy in my youth group. I raised money thinking that I was doing the right thing by wanting to be a missionary of my faith to people of another country but my whole goal was to go on a trip with this boy. I'm not sure I will ever be able to express what happened on this mission trip. It was by far the most amazing thing to have happen to me in my lifetime. Having my children was an experience but to see God work the way He did on this trip was life changing. To remember it is convicting in itself.
*Music is a big part of my life and always will be. I will return to my previous career as a professional musician someday. Someday soon.
*I love to listen to live music. Genre unspecified, as long as the musician(s) are competent in their field.
*I LOVE food and I love to eat! All of it, except bratwurst. Ugh!
*I am a romantic. I love being swept off my feet. I love catching my breath in a moment of ecstasy. And I love "special" things - no matter how small.
*If I had the means, I would take a day to shop and spend endless amounts of money.
*I want to go on a Caribbean cruise - very soon. Maybe next month.
*I am using this blog to find myself. Selfish, maybe, but I want to know myself. In the midst of 5 kids, husband, school, work. . . I want to be strong in my beliefs, my emotions, and my sanity.
Truths about me:
*I absolutely LOVE to find beauty and life in everything. Not only that, but I feel the need to cherish it. Life is precious. Beauty is vain, yes, but recognizing in awe the beauty of what has been created by God for us is truly amazing.
*That being said, I'm sticking to the "Carpe Diem" theory. This may be your last day. Live it to the fullest and never hesitate to speak the truth
*I claim to be tough, which I believe to be true, but I do secretly like to be girly. I find pleasure in letting someone else massage me and pamper me. I like to wear heels because they make my legs look great. If i had them, I would wear skirts (with heels). I can't remember the last time i wore a skirt or dress!
*I long for close relationships with people. I have a few but tend to be very cautious as to who I allow to discover me.
*I have a heart for missions. I am not close to God as I once was but am working on rebuilding that relationship. My life changed when I was on that mission trip to Guatemala. I had gotten "saved" when I was 5. I said the prayer and believed it to be true but never really understood what it meant to be a follower of God until I was 16. It started as a lustful longing for a boy in my youth group. I raised money thinking that I was doing the right thing by wanting to be a missionary of my faith to people of another country but my whole goal was to go on a trip with this boy. I'm not sure I will ever be able to express what happened on this mission trip. It was by far the most amazing thing to have happen to me in my lifetime. Having my children was an experience but to see God work the way He did on this trip was life changing. To remember it is convicting in itself.
*Music is a big part of my life and always will be. I will return to my previous career as a professional musician someday. Someday soon.
*I love to listen to live music. Genre unspecified, as long as the musician(s) are competent in their field.
*I LOVE food and I love to eat! All of it, except bratwurst. Ugh!
*I am a romantic. I love being swept off my feet. I love catching my breath in a moment of ecstasy. And I love "special" things - no matter how small.
*If I had the means, I would take a day to shop and spend endless amounts of money.
*I want to go on a Caribbean cruise - very soon. Maybe next month.
*I am using this blog to find myself. Selfish, maybe, but I want to know myself. In the midst of 5 kids, husband, school, work. . . I want to be strong in my beliefs, my emotions, and my sanity.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Ultrasound Update
So... my doctor's assistant called on Friday and told me surgery needs to be as soon as possible and asked if I could keep Tuesday open because they were going to try to get me in that day. She is going to call on Monday and give me the details. Apparently she has to get clearance from the insurance for me to go to another hospital other than the one covered since part of the surgery is not performed where I usually go. During that whole conversation, everything she said just whizzed past me. My mind was on overdrive and I failed to ask important questions that might have put my mind at ease a little.
Meanwhile, my belly is severely bloated, from what I don't know. I knew during the ultrasound last week when the technician was shoving and ramming that wand around inside of me that there would be some lingering pain, but I never thought it would be this bad. She (technician) spent a lot of time on the right side, where most of my pain has been for the past 10 years. My right ovary is covered in cysts - some big some small - and is quite a bit larger than the other one. I have had a cyst before but this is different. I really didn't know what I was looking at for the rest of the ultrasound when she was measuring my uterus and looking for various different abnormalities. I tried to read her face, too, but she was only grimacing while she was pushing on my right ovary.
I am a worrier. It is a terrible fault, but I seem incapable of shedding this flaw. I have spent the past few evenings educating myself of the options and possibilities based off of my symptoms and results of the ultrasound. Not to self-diagnose, but to be educated and equipped to ask appropriate questions relating to my body, the specifics of what will be done to it, and why. The thought of going into it blindly is overwhelming, especially considering the urgency which is weighing heavily on my mind. Why so soon? So many questions. . .
Meanwhile, my belly is severely bloated, from what I don't know. I knew during the ultrasound last week when the technician was shoving and ramming that wand around inside of me that there would be some lingering pain, but I never thought it would be this bad. She (technician) spent a lot of time on the right side, where most of my pain has been for the past 10 years. My right ovary is covered in cysts - some big some small - and is quite a bit larger than the other one. I have had a cyst before but this is different. I really didn't know what I was looking at for the rest of the ultrasound when she was measuring my uterus and looking for various different abnormalities. I tried to read her face, too, but she was only grimacing while she was pushing on my right ovary.
I am a worrier. It is a terrible fault, but I seem incapable of shedding this flaw. I have spent the past few evenings educating myself of the options and possibilities based off of my symptoms and results of the ultrasound. Not to self-diagnose, but to be educated and equipped to ask appropriate questions relating to my body, the specifics of what will be done to it, and why. The thought of going into it blindly is overwhelming, especially considering the urgency which is weighing heavily on my mind. Why so soon? So many questions. . .
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hmmm
Recently I've been struggling with the notion of sending Ethan and Alaina to school next year instead of homeschooling. My heart is with homeschooling but I want to make sure I'm making the best decision for them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Diet
I am so excited about the sunshine today! I am refreshed and energetic. It is only January but I am anticipating the upcoming spring and the end of this dismal season.
Today begins my "diet". I have no desire to lose weight as in actual pounds but I would like to flatten my unshapely midsection and build some muscle. Six meals/day and at least 30 min each day cardio and weights. Brian is going to help me with proportions and calories since I can't even find time in my day to urinate without multitasking. My goal is to see noticeable improvement in three weeks then re-evaluate and continue on. In order for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle my BMI - body fat percentage - needs to decrease considerably.
My husband, his parents, and myself went to watch Gran Torino last night and what an exceptional film! The language was extremely rough but, in my opinion, necessary to the realism of the subject matter. It captured my attention right from the beginning but what struck me the most was the final few scenes. Most movies have some sort of unexpected ending but the magnitude of this particular character's intent is something I walked away with thinking "Do I have what it takes to defend what I believe?". I would hope so but honestly I don't think I do.
That being said, there is a second part to my "diet". My belief is in order to have ideal health the body, mind, and soul need to be in tune. Now before I am wrongly understood, I am not some incense sniffing hippie, although some of that does smell good... *grin* I am a Bible believing Christian and I believe that for me to have peace in my day to day life I need to eat healthy, exercise, spend time reading and praying, and developing relationships with people outside of my home. That is the only way I think I could become the wife and mother God intended me to be.
Today begins my "diet". I have no desire to lose weight as in actual pounds but I would like to flatten my unshapely midsection and build some muscle. Six meals/day and at least 30 min each day cardio and weights. Brian is going to help me with proportions and calories since I can't even find time in my day to urinate without multitasking. My goal is to see noticeable improvement in three weeks then re-evaluate and continue on. In order for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle my BMI - body fat percentage - needs to decrease considerably.
My husband, his parents, and myself went to watch Gran Torino last night and what an exceptional film! The language was extremely rough but, in my opinion, necessary to the realism of the subject matter. It captured my attention right from the beginning but what struck me the most was the final few scenes. Most movies have some sort of unexpected ending but the magnitude of this particular character's intent is something I walked away with thinking "Do I have what it takes to defend what I believe?". I would hope so but honestly I don't think I do.
That being said, there is a second part to my "diet". My belief is in order to have ideal health the body, mind, and soul need to be in tune. Now before I am wrongly understood, I am not some incense sniffing hippie, although some of that does smell good... *grin* I am a Bible believing Christian and I believe that for me to have peace in my day to day life I need to eat healthy, exercise, spend time reading and praying, and developing relationships with people outside of my home. That is the only way I think I could become the wife and mother God intended me to be.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sangria
On a better note I am sitting here craving the distinctive tastes of Tapas. Tapas and sangria. Mmmmm. Off to sleep for now.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Rabid Ramblings
My mouth has a disease. This is not a recent discovery but a vocalization of the truth. Sarcastic ill-tempered words foam at my mouth and spill out, unprovoked, when I am spoken to. It's almost uncontrollable as if the connection between my brain and my mouth has short circuited. There is an underlying cause I'm afraid, and my frustration has reached it's peak today.
I have one heck of a husband to have dealt with all of this for our entire married life. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis shortly after high school. Excruciatingly crippling cramps during my period prompted me to see an obgyn. They were convinced that it was Endometriosis and performed a diagnostic laparoscopy during which they discovered it and proceeded to cauterize the endometrial lesions, hoping to stop the growth. It was unsuccessful so one year later I had another surgery followed by my first taste of menopause. I received a shot once a month for the next six months of Depot Lupron, which mimics menopause by lowering the estrogen. I was plagued by hot flashes, night sweats (my husband still teases me to this day, although I could find no humor in it at the time), and various uncomfortable side effects. The lowering of the estrogen causes the growths to shrink and hopefully disappear. Upon completion of my treatment my doc. gave me a folder that contained infertility information and told me that I would probably never conceive so if I ever wanted to have children I should try now since I had just completed my treatment. (Ok I have to laugh now. Ha Ha Ha Ha... Thank God for comic relief! Obviously he was wrong.)
We found out about a month later that I was pregnant with Ethan, our first miracle. Since pregnancy keeps the endometrial lesions from growing I have only had mild pain since then. It has now, unfortunately, returned with a vengeance. I have fear this time, though. Not regular scared-of-the-dark fear but ominous, pending doom fear. I don't remember ever feeling like this before.
I have seen my doc. this week and we discussed possibilities and treatment options. I've been on my cycle more than off since I had the baby in July. It was only twice/month but has progressed to three/month. Three regular periods... I have lost all control over my moods and emotions due to my constant hormonal imbalance.
My doc. gave me a script for some blood work followed by an appointment next Tuesday for an ultrasound. A surgery will be scheduled as soon as possible following my ultrasound. I'm having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and a tubal. Meanwhile I am going to research the other possible causes which he said are polyps, fibroids, chocolate cysts, or cancer - the latter being extremely rare, especially in someone my age.
Although this has been deemed my "crisis year" since I have reached the prodigious milestone of thirty years, I do realize that in the whole grand scheme of things I am and will remain young for a very long time. My fear stems, I think, from recognizing that my invincibility could crumble.
I know that the doctors have to give every possible explanation to the patient so some ignorant idiot doesn't sue for malpractice. I also know that the chances of me having cancer are probably very close to zero. But... the "c" word was said and for me that means lots of thinking and worrying. I can still hear my mom's voice telling me, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." One of the many verses she would lovingly quote to me when I needed a subtle reminder on how to live my life.
I have one heck of a husband to have dealt with all of this for our entire married life. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis shortly after high school. Excruciatingly crippling cramps during my period prompted me to see an obgyn. They were convinced that it was Endometriosis and performed a diagnostic laparoscopy during which they discovered it and proceeded to cauterize the endometrial lesions, hoping to stop the growth. It was unsuccessful so one year later I had another surgery followed by my first taste of menopause. I received a shot once a month for the next six months of Depot Lupron, which mimics menopause by lowering the estrogen. I was plagued by hot flashes, night sweats (my husband still teases me to this day, although I could find no humor in it at the time), and various uncomfortable side effects. The lowering of the estrogen causes the growths to shrink and hopefully disappear. Upon completion of my treatment my doc. gave me a folder that contained infertility information and told me that I would probably never conceive so if I ever wanted to have children I should try now since I had just completed my treatment. (Ok I have to laugh now. Ha Ha Ha Ha... Thank God for comic relief! Obviously he was wrong.)
We found out about a month later that I was pregnant with Ethan, our first miracle. Since pregnancy keeps the endometrial lesions from growing I have only had mild pain since then. It has now, unfortunately, returned with a vengeance. I have fear this time, though. Not regular scared-of-the-dark fear but ominous, pending doom fear. I don't remember ever feeling like this before.
I have seen my doc. this week and we discussed possibilities and treatment options. I've been on my cycle more than off since I had the baby in July. It was only twice/month but has progressed to three/month. Three regular periods... I have lost all control over my moods and emotions due to my constant hormonal imbalance.
My doc. gave me a script for some blood work followed by an appointment next Tuesday for an ultrasound. A surgery will be scheduled as soon as possible following my ultrasound. I'm having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and a tubal. Meanwhile I am going to research the other possible causes which he said are polyps, fibroids, chocolate cysts, or cancer - the latter being extremely rare, especially in someone my age.
Although this has been deemed my "crisis year" since I have reached the prodigious milestone of thirty years, I do realize that in the whole grand scheme of things I am and will remain young for a very long time. My fear stems, I think, from recognizing that my invincibility could crumble.
I know that the doctors have to give every possible explanation to the patient so some ignorant idiot doesn't sue for malpractice. I also know that the chances of me having cancer are probably very close to zero. But... the "c" word was said and for me that means lots of thinking and worrying. I can still hear my mom's voice telling me, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." One of the many verses she would lovingly quote to me when I needed a subtle reminder on how to live my life.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Vomit and Blood
Today has undoubtedly been one of those days... If the craziness could have all been a dream I would have dreamt that I was a character in an H.G. Wells, The Time Machine, version of life in the Mack house. Surely after traveling back in time to relive the morning, my choice of attitude would have been much, much better, right?
Vomit and blood. That's how it all started. It was 6AM and the shrill screams of my oldest daughter, Alaina, rang throughout the house, jolting my eyes wide open. Jocelyn had thrown up something red and chunky all over herself, her dankies (blankets), and her gwuggy (pacifier).
Meanwhile my little monkey, Gwen, had climbed on the top of her brother's bunk and hung upside down to see what all the commotion was about since Jocelyn sleeps on the bottom of the bunk, then fell and landed on her head, somehow getting a bloody nose.
So the morning continued on. I, in my not so chipper state, rinsed all the dankies, sheets, the comforter, pillow, and the last precious gwuggy then put it all in the washers downstairs while at the same time preparing a bath for my Baby J and warming the skillet for breakfast. Ethan, thankfully, read and worked on phonics and handwriting without arguing or complaining while I made cheesy eggs and syrup and dressed Jocelyn. Alaina and Gwen colored at - and on - the table and sang a wonderful and very modern atonal rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb, over and over and over and over and over again. Then the kids ate while I sat to feed little Ani a bottle and try to recapture my enthusiasm for the long awaited, beautifully sun-drenched morning. The moment was short-lived but I was still grateful because those small, almost nonexistant times during the day can be so refreshing - especially in the wee hours of the morning when I'm just not ready to be needed.
School is only a half day today and I plan to spend the rest of my time before work with the kids, playing and loving and enjoying the privilege of being the mother of my five precious little miracles.
Vomit and blood. That's how it all started. It was 6AM and the shrill screams of my oldest daughter, Alaina, rang throughout the house, jolting my eyes wide open. Jocelyn had thrown up something red and chunky all over herself, her dankies (blankets), and her gwuggy (pacifier).
Meanwhile my little monkey, Gwen, had climbed on the top of her brother's bunk and hung upside down to see what all the commotion was about since Jocelyn sleeps on the bottom of the bunk, then fell and landed on her head, somehow getting a bloody nose.
So the morning continued on. I, in my not so chipper state, rinsed all the dankies, sheets, the comforter, pillow, and the last precious gwuggy then put it all in the washers downstairs while at the same time preparing a bath for my Baby J and warming the skillet for breakfast. Ethan, thankfully, read and worked on phonics and handwriting without arguing or complaining while I made cheesy eggs and syrup and dressed Jocelyn. Alaina and Gwen colored at - and on - the table and sang a wonderful and very modern atonal rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb, over and over and over and over and over again. Then the kids ate while I sat to feed little Ani a bottle and try to recapture my enthusiasm for the long awaited, beautifully sun-drenched morning. The moment was short-lived but I was still grateful because those small, almost nonexistant times during the day can be so refreshing - especially in the wee hours of the morning when I'm just not ready to be needed.
School is only a half day today and I plan to spend the rest of my time before work with the kids, playing and loving and enjoying the privilege of being the mother of my five precious little miracles.
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