Leaving a friend's house at 2am last night I am racing down Combs Rd. singing, with the music up and all windows down, feeling the sultry breeze blow through my hair. It felt so good... Then my breath catches in my throat and I slam on the brakes, praying my 2 ton SUV can stop before I hit this man walking down the middle of the road. He didn't move as I squealed closer - didn't even flinch! I swerved around him almost knocking out a mailbox and he just watched me. I was unable to keep my hands and feet from shaking and my heart was racing out of control. His face looked wet and was waving his thumb obviously looking for a ride somewhere so I turned around and headed back to find him, to see if he needed help or a phone call. I slipped my knife out of my pocket, switched off the safety, and put it between my legs with my right index finger on the blade's trigger just in case... When I pulled up I rolled down the window and noticed he was about 16 or 17 and his face was covered in blood. It looked as if he had the shit beat right out of him and the piercing underneath his lower lip had been torn. Trying so hard not to lecture him with "what the hell are you doing! you could have gotten yourself killed!", or any of the other thoughts racing through my head, I asked if he needed help. He said he just needed a ride to his mom's house and he had gotten jumped by some guys. I asked him for an address and if he could describe where it was to me and he was able. He seemed genuine and was not visibly out of his right mind so I told him to get in and took him home.
Good idea or bad idea? I'm not completely sure. I tried to make the best decision and was glad to help but also prayed for God to spare my life as I drove this stranger to his destination.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Happiness
I walked outside tonight after kissing my kids goodnight and the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle filled my nostrils. My eyes slowly closed as I inhaled the cool air deep inside my lungs, and any remaining stress was released as i slowly exhaled. I sat in my temporary patio chair (temporary - meaning the chair I will use until the patio is finally poured and everything is complete) and faced west to watch the light fade away into the eve of the night. At that point in time my brain had slowed enough to where I was not in a constant overwhelming state of overdrive and I was able to enjoy the moment.
I feel new, with absolutely no pain in my belly. It has been 17 years since I've felt this good. 17 years... The surgery went very well with only some minor complications. The "Davinci robot" performed the surgery and took out my uterus, cervix, and one ovary through four inch-long incisions across the middle of my belly. It's amazing how medicine has advanced... My doc let me see the robot and everything before the surgery per my request, then the anasthesia swept me off into a very deep sleep. I woke with quite a bit of discomfort but the morphine was amazing. (I did wish death upon myself once, though, after I sneezed) My blood pressure dropped to around 80 over 40, sometimes a little less, and my one night stay turned into 4. Well that and my inability to urinate without a catheter. I think I had 13 or 15 different caths... It was an odd feeling to have a bladder full enough to burst and just not be able to go. Both of those ended up being side effects of meds. The blood pressure fall was due to the morphine and the other was from an anti-nausea patch behind my ear. I went home on the fifth day and have to say I don't really remember much that first week, probably from the potent meds I was on. Healing took longer than I expected but I am also extremely impatient. I also had to be cauterized three times on the inside where my cervix was. The only thing I can think to compare it to is imagining a blow torch being blown up inside me.
I am now fully recovered and it is amazing!!! I am running a couple miles a day now and starting to tone up the old bod again.
I feel new, with absolutely no pain in my belly. It has been 17 years since I've felt this good. 17 years... The surgery went very well with only some minor complications. The "Davinci robot" performed the surgery and took out my uterus, cervix, and one ovary through four inch-long incisions across the middle of my belly. It's amazing how medicine has advanced... My doc let me see the robot and everything before the surgery per my request, then the anasthesia swept me off into a very deep sleep. I woke with quite a bit of discomfort but the morphine was amazing. (I did wish death upon myself once, though, after I sneezed) My blood pressure dropped to around 80 over 40, sometimes a little less, and my one night stay turned into 4. Well that and my inability to urinate without a catheter. I think I had 13 or 15 different caths... It was an odd feeling to have a bladder full enough to burst and just not be able to go. Both of those ended up being side effects of meds. The blood pressure fall was due to the morphine and the other was from an anti-nausea patch behind my ear. I went home on the fifth day and have to say I don't really remember much that first week, probably from the potent meds I was on. Healing took longer than I expected but I am also extremely impatient. I also had to be cauterized three times on the inside where my cervix was. The only thing I can think to compare it to is imagining a blow torch being blown up inside me.
I am now fully recovered and it is amazing!!! I am running a couple miles a day now and starting to tone up the old bod again.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Cabin Fever
It's 1:00am and the forecast still says 70 degrees! The changing season is giving me a terrible case of cabin fever. Subtle hints of spring flirt with my senses as the breeze tickles my skin, making me long for the warm nights and longer days. I dream of the sweet fragrant honeysuckle and dirt in my nails while gardening, playing outside until the fireflies lights glow and fade in the darkness, and the smell of a warm rain...
Oh my thoughts are a jumble tonight. So much on my mind... I have found this blog to be a place to organize my thoughts and express myself but at the same time I do not want this to become some depressing, for lack of a better term, bitch log.
Reluctantly I am going to end this blog with the day's events.
* I have decided to enroll Ethan and Alaina in school. I pray it is the right decision. Homeschooling is great and has worked out very well in all aspects, but timing seems right this year. My only fear is that they could lose their love for learning being "tied down". I have always loved and passionately believed in the three learning styles: audial, visual, and kinesthetic. I believe every student especially excells in one of those areas. Alternative learning in exploring, feeling, researching, and experiencing has been something I had wanted to pass onto the kids. There can be an excitement in learning something new and really digging into it. I guess I fear them losing the love.
* I have decided how to use my spending money from the tax return. I will have a concrete patio poured outside the front door in the courtyard area either done by myself or pay someone to do it, buy some patio furniture and plant my herbs in decorative pots. I will also plan a small getaway - with no kids or husband. I need some time. This year has been my crisis year, but not really in the sense of an actual crisis, more like a turning point. I am realizing who "I" am and finding myself. Sometimes it seems so selfish but other times I feel it's necessary to develop a strong sense of self to be a good mother and wife. I have lived to please other people my whole life and am just now learning to say no. It is exhilerating! There are so many more thoughts on this topic. I'm not really sure I'm ready to blog them all yet but I'm sure it will make for a good one later.
Sleep is calling me - finally...
Oh my thoughts are a jumble tonight. So much on my mind... I have found this blog to be a place to organize my thoughts and express myself but at the same time I do not want this to become some depressing, for lack of a better term, bitch log.
Reluctantly I am going to end this blog with the day's events.
* I have decided to enroll Ethan and Alaina in school. I pray it is the right decision. Homeschooling is great and has worked out very well in all aspects, but timing seems right this year. My only fear is that they could lose their love for learning being "tied down". I have always loved and passionately believed in the three learning styles: audial, visual, and kinesthetic. I believe every student especially excells in one of those areas. Alternative learning in exploring, feeling, researching, and experiencing has been something I had wanted to pass onto the kids. There can be an excitement in learning something new and really digging into it. I guess I fear them losing the love.
* I have decided how to use my spending money from the tax return. I will have a concrete patio poured outside the front door in the courtyard area either done by myself or pay someone to do it, buy some patio furniture and plant my herbs in decorative pots. I will also plan a small getaway - with no kids or husband. I need some time. This year has been my crisis year, but not really in the sense of an actual crisis, more like a turning point. I am realizing who "I" am and finding myself. Sometimes it seems so selfish but other times I feel it's necessary to develop a strong sense of self to be a good mother and wife. I have lived to please other people my whole life and am just now learning to say no. It is exhilerating! There are so many more thoughts on this topic. I'm not really sure I'm ready to blog them all yet but I'm sure it will make for a good one later.
Sleep is calling me - finally...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I have not felt the need or have even wanted to blog lately. My mind is overflowing with words to log, activities, thoughts, desires... In fact, so much that I have found it difficult to slow down and find rest at the end of the day. So, here i sit...
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tatoo
I have finally made my appointment with Tim the tatoo man for Thursday at 5:30. I'll post a pic after it's finished.
Untitled
Peace reigns in the Mack house this radiant Tuesday morning. Ethan is reading without complaining and the girls are happily running a restaurant in their playhouse. Breakfast has been cleaned up, the floors swept, and I have managed to steal a few minutes to log the morning's activities. A rarity lately.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
