It's 1:00am and the forecast still says 70 degrees! The changing season is giving me a terrible case of cabin fever. Subtle hints of spring flirt with my senses as the breeze tickles my skin, making me long for the warm nights and longer days. I dream of the sweet fragrant honeysuckle and dirt in my nails while gardening, playing outside until the fireflies lights glow and fade in the darkness, and the smell of a warm rain...
Oh my thoughts are a jumble tonight. So much on my mind... I have found this blog to be a place to organize my thoughts and express myself but at the same time I do not want this to become some depressing, for lack of a better term, bitch log.
Reluctantly I am going to end this blog with the day's events.
* I have decided to enroll Ethan and Alaina in school. I pray it is the right decision. Homeschooling is great and has worked out very well in all aspects, but timing seems right this year. My only fear is that they could lose their love for learning being "tied down". I have always loved and passionately believed in the three learning styles: audial, visual, and kinesthetic. I believe every student especially excells in one of those areas. Alternative learning in exploring, feeling, researching, and experiencing has been something I had wanted to pass onto the kids. There can be an excitement in learning something new and really digging into it. I guess I fear them losing the love.
* I have decided how to use my spending money from the tax return. I will have a concrete patio poured outside the front door in the courtyard area either done by myself or pay someone to do it, buy some patio furniture and plant my herbs in decorative pots. I will also plan a small getaway - with no kids or husband. I need some time. This year has been my crisis year, but not really in the sense of an actual crisis, more like a turning point. I am realizing who "I" am and finding myself. Sometimes it seems so selfish but other times I feel it's necessary to develop a strong sense of self to be a good mother and wife. I have lived to please other people my whole life and am just now learning to say no. It is exhilerating! There are so many more thoughts on this topic. I'm not really sure I'm ready to blog them all yet but I'm sure it will make for a good one later.
Sleep is calling me - finally...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I have not felt the need or have even wanted to blog lately. My mind is overflowing with words to log, activities, thoughts, desires... In fact, so much that I have found it difficult to slow down and find rest at the end of the day. So, here i sit...
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
I did get my tatoo but I will not post a photo until the work has been completed. In a week or so I will have a touch up to fill in some more of the shading around the music notes. I love it and probably could have gone a bit farther up my calf but declined in fear of it being too much, therefore losing the simplicity and beauty.
We are still waiting for the tax money, very impatiently. It seems to have gone to the error center for further processing. The woman I spoke to said something about it having to do with how much we're getting back and the reporting of the stimulus payment last year. Now I did report that we had gotten the full amount of the stimulus and I went through the taxes, yet again, and found no errors. Brian claims zero, which is way less money a month in our pockets and really doesn't make any sense to me. It seems like we are just loaning our money to the IRS interest-free until tax time when we get it back. I am still searching for a way to convince him that it is not necessary and is probably the reason for this delay.
Monday I should find out when surgery is. I spoke to my doc's assistant on Friday and she said the insurance HAS approved it! It is a complete hysterectomy and removal of one of my ovaries. I'm so glad I can keep one to prevent me from going into menopause and needing hormone replacement right away. Monday she will talk to the doc and then schedule it. I would love to get this over and done with before the weather gets warmer so I can go places and do things with the kids. We LOVE to be active! I can't wait to take them all camping this summer. If we can save a little then a vacation to myrtle beach sounds fabulous!
As for today, my goals are to keep the kids happy and medicated, keep the vaporizers running, finish - and fold (my least favorite household chore) all of the laundry, have the kids clean their rooms, and keep the rest of the house tidy. Alaina and Gwen want to use their glitter glue and Ethan will be playing his video games for a while. Jocelyn is easy to please and Ani is going to be packed around by me in her sling/wrap. In my down times I will be sitting on my chair trying to rest and kick this cold.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tatoo
I have finally made my appointment with Tim the tatoo man for Thursday at 5:30. I'll post a pic after it's finished.
Untitled
Peace reigns in the Mack house this radiant Tuesday morning. Ethan is reading without complaining and the girls are happily running a restaurant in their playhouse. Breakfast has been cleaned up, the floors swept, and I have managed to steal a few minutes to log the morning's activities. A rarity lately.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Tax money will be in the bank tomorrow! I am so excited to pay off our debt to my mother in law. There will be enough to pay off medical and have some spending money, too! Brian finally gets to get a really nice digital camera and I have a list a mile long of things I would like. Of course we'll save some but it sure is nice to spend!
My wish list:
*a new phone. my speaker is messed up and no one can seem to hear me. Im getting the LG rumor in - green!
*fun bath stuff from the lushusa.com site. (in case you have never been to this site, the bath melts are AMAZING!
*a new sling wrap for the baby, maybe. still not sure about this one.
*a couple nights away from home to a cabin with a hot tub and a visit to a winery - by myself or with girlfriends but no kids!
*shopping! new clothes and shoes shoes shoes!
*paint for my kitchen. I have to say I am getting tired of the McDonalds yellow...
*if I have any left, I want a personal trainer to bust my butt for a while and help me get ready for bathing suit season. I love to be in the pool!
Consider me shallow and irresponsible. I don't care. I want to have fun.
Update: I have decided on a hysterectomy. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do at this point in my life. The decision was not an easy one. I have tolerated pain for so many years that the option of holding out didn't seem that awful, but the surgery is inevitable so I might as well get it done now since the doc will be in my belly again soon anyway. I am hoping he will keep one of my ovaries and my cervix to preserve my natural hormones but it may not be possible. I don't feel a loss like some, but I am struggling with becoming "old" before my time. I'm sure it is all in my head and it will resolve itself after the recovery. I see the doc Friday to schedule the necessary second opinion (damn HMO) and schedule the surgery.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Decision Time
The pain is excruciating today. It's radiating all throughout my right side and my lower belly, a burning constant throb. My emotions are getting the best of me. I have exhausted my mind researching and contemplating the choices available and it is time to decide. My doc's diagnosis - Adenomyosis, Severe Pelvic Congestion Syndrome, Endometriosis, and Cysts, but no cancer!! The biopsies all came back negative and I am so extremely relieved. I have cut it down to two choices. Either a tubal and removal of my right ovary or a subtotal hysterectomy with removal of my right ovary. With the tubal, I would not begin menopause but would still have some pain from the adenomyosis. The hysterectomy is supposed to cure the adenomyosis but I would begin menopause. Which is more beneficial long term? I have no idea. I am anticipating a call from my doc today to talk about it more and make my decision.
I pray the sunshine can override this melancholy mood.
I pray the sunshine can override this melancholy mood.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Invincibility
I have no interest in writing tonight. My recovery, until this evening, was going fairly well. I am currently nauseated and hot, probably a result of doing too much too soon. I blame it on the warmth of the sun today. I am invincible on days like this and I acquire abilities that seem superhuman to me. My house is immaculate, we have two life sized snowmen dressed to the nines in their scarves, hats, and sunglasses, I danced and sang and laughed, shopped (and shopped), and decided on my next tattoo. . . An unexpected exuberance temporarily replaced the chronic contentiousness and irritability that has weighed on my heart for months. Sometimes I wish there was someone to critique and analyze me, to mediate between myself and my actions. I guess, then, I would have no excuse for the spontaneity or random impulsive acts I seldom have the opportunity to enjoy. Carpe Diem!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Incompetent
Word Of The Day: Incompetent - in·com·pe·tent
Surgery has been scheduled for Monday at 2. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This was hard enough in the past when surgery was in the early morning, but now it means going without food and drink for over 12 hours! I will have to search for things to occupy my mind so I don't actually feel my stomach digesting itself. We had to postpone it this past Tuesday due to insurance issues. They were supposed to give approval for me to have a tubal during the operation since they were already going to be inside my belly, but they chose not to. Incompetent fools. Not only do I now have to have two surgeries but they will also end up paying more money out of their pockets. I have yet to find the logic in this situation.
Incompetence is running rampant it seems. I worked tonight (and every night I'm there) with someone who suffers severely with this. My patience I have tried so hard to keep is dwindling rapidly. I have embarrassingly been known to operate somewhat like a bomb or grenade or some other device that blows up randomly out of nowhere after tolerating things for so long. There have been many times I have offered kind suggestions to her but none have been taken. None. My next option, since I have confronted her, is to speak with my boss which is thankfully not intimidating. She is easygoing and approachable - and what's funny is she used to be Brian's babysitter :)
Tomorrow is a new day. We are going to be lazy in the morning then I would like to find a babysitter and have a good hard workout before I hit the grocery store.
- Pronunciation:
- \(ˌ)in-ˈkäm-pə-tənt\
- Function:
- adjective
- Etymology:
- Middle French incompétent, from in- + compétent competent
- Date:
- 1595
1: not legally qualified
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly <incompetent heart valves>
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly <incompetent heart valves>
— incompetent noun
(quoted from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
(quoted from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)
Surgery has been scheduled for Monday at 2. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This was hard enough in the past when surgery was in the early morning, but now it means going without food and drink for over 12 hours! I will have to search for things to occupy my mind so I don't actually feel my stomach digesting itself. We had to postpone it this past Tuesday due to insurance issues. They were supposed to give approval for me to have a tubal during the operation since they were already going to be inside my belly, but they chose not to. Incompetent fools. Not only do I now have to have two surgeries but they will also end up paying more money out of their pockets. I have yet to find the logic in this situation.
Incompetence is running rampant it seems. I worked tonight (and every night I'm there) with someone who suffers severely with this. My patience I have tried so hard to keep is dwindling rapidly. I have embarrassingly been known to operate somewhat like a bomb or grenade or some other device that blows up randomly out of nowhere after tolerating things for so long. There have been many times I have offered kind suggestions to her but none have been taken. None. My next option, since I have confronted her, is to speak with my boss which is thankfully not intimidating. She is easygoing and approachable - and what's funny is she used to be Brian's babysitter :)
Tomorrow is a new day. We are going to be lazy in the morning then I would like to find a babysitter and have a good hard workout before I hit the grocery store.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
