Captivating

My fingers have touched the corner of the tattered paper, anticipating the beginning of the next chapter of my life. So eager to turn the page, yet consumed with anxiety... Brian and I have agreed to separate. Hopefully this hiatus will alleviate some tension in the house for the kids and allow us to focus on working on some serious issues that have torn the ties that bind us as one. Fear of the unknown is making it difficult to be at peace, though. Our goal is reconciliation but there is always a possibility that the damage is too great...

Every once in a while I read something that makes an impression and gives hope.

"There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs."
Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
by John and Stasi Eldredge

It was like a whisper to my heart from the book itself

Those words really made me think while reading during quiet time here in the Mack house. Consider it a personal revelation. "She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale." Sounds sadly familiar... I would like to become truly captivating, become feminine and alive! For now though, it's a work in progress.

Another post filled with jumbled thoughts...

Grammar and punctuation... obviously not my forte considering the previous post was published with total disregard to formality.

leaves splashed bright with autumn color rained down from the barren limbs arched above the road, forming what the kids refer to as a tree tunnel. they gazed out the car window in silent awe at the rays of sunshine peeking in through the branches, gnarled like the gaunt weathered fingers of a decrepit old woman. the road twisted and turned in and out of tree tunnels, and thin wisps of leaf smoke danced in through the open car windows from the old farmhouse set back away from the road.

we arrive at the park armed with a football, a rake, drinks, and KFC, and begin the search for the ideal spot. conditions must be perfect they said, and rattled off a list of requirements: sunny, warm, filled with leaves, close to a trail... unable to contain their excitement, little blips of squeals and giggles escaped through their little hands clasped so tightly over their lips.

there it was through an opening in the trees! i passed out crispy chicken to my five little slobbering carnivores who, instead of sitting like well trained respectable boring children, decided to explore the grounds. i, on the other hand, sat on the rickety picnic table and watched them eagerly searching for squirrels and bugs and rocks, stuffing little treasures into their pockets as they go.

we climbed atop a fallen rotten tree covered with small mushrooms and bright green moss as if it were a balance beam with arms extended to either side then leaned over the side to count the rings. 99 years old! then we spent quite a bit of time walking along the creek listening to the sweet song of an unfamiliar bird and the babble of the water as it rushed over a sunken tree splintered by a lightning storm.

ethan navigated the way back out of the woods and we finished the adventure by jumping and dancing in a giant leaf pile and playing some football before heading back through the tree tunnels towards home.

Someday, someday soon I will update this blog...

What the hell kind of devil bird chirps at night...

My favorite movie quote of all time from Failure to Launch. I love Zooey Deschanel's character, she's so representative of my personality.

Bad Move

Leaving a friend's house at 2am last night I am racing down Combs Rd. singing, with the music up and all windows down, feeling the sultry breeze blow through my hair. It felt so good... Then my breath catches in my throat and I slam on the brakes, praying my 2 ton SUV can stop before I hit this man walking down the middle of the road. He didn't move as I squealed closer - didn't even flinch! I swerved around him almost knocking out a mailbox and he just watched me. I was unable to keep my hands and feet from shaking and my heart was racing out of control. His face looked wet and was waving his thumb obviously looking for a ride somewhere so I turned around and headed back to find him, to see if he needed help or a phone call. I slipped my knife out of my pocket, switched off the safety, and put it between my legs with my right index finger on the blade's trigger just in case... When I pulled up I rolled down the window and noticed he was about 16 or 17 and his face was covered in blood. It looked as if he had the shit beat right out of him and the piercing underneath his lower lip had been torn. Trying so hard not to lecture him with "what the hell are you doing! you could have gotten yourself killed!", or any of the other thoughts racing through my head, I asked if he needed help. He said he just needed a ride to his mom's house and he had gotten jumped by some guys. I asked him for an address and if he could describe where it was to me and he was able. He seemed genuine and was not visibly out of his right mind so I told him to get in and took him home.

Good idea or bad idea? I'm not completely sure. I tried to make the best decision and was glad to help but also prayed for God to spare my life as I drove this stranger to his destination.

Happiness

I walked outside tonight after kissing my kids goodnight and the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle filled my nostrils. My eyes slowly closed as I inhaled the cool air deep inside my lungs, and any remaining stress was released as i slowly exhaled. I sat in my temporary patio chair (temporary - meaning the chair I will use until the patio is finally poured and everything is complete) and faced west to watch the light fade away into the eve of the night. At that point in time my brain had slowed enough to where I was not in a constant overwhelming state of overdrive and I was able to enjoy the moment.

I feel new, with absolutely no pain in my belly. It has been 17 years since I've felt this good. 17 years... The surgery went very well with only some minor complications. The "Davinci robot" performed the surgery and took out my uterus, cervix, and one ovary through four inch-long incisions across the middle of my belly. It's amazing how medicine has advanced... My doc let me see the robot and everything before the surgery per my request, then the anasthesia swept me off into a very deep sleep. I woke with quite a bit of discomfort but the morphine was amazing. (I did wish death upon myself once, though, after I sneezed) My blood pressure dropped to around 80 over 40, sometimes a little less, and my one night stay turned into 4. Well that and my inability to urinate without a catheter. I think I had 13 or 15 different caths... It was an odd feeling to have a bladder full enough to burst and just not be able to go. Both of those ended up being side effects of meds. The blood pressure fall was due to the morphine and the other was from an anti-nausea patch behind my ear. I went home on the fifth day and have to say I don't really remember much that first week, probably from the potent meds I was on. Healing took longer than I expected but I am also extremely impatient. I also had to be cauterized three times on the inside where my cervix was. The only thing I can think to compare it to is imagining a blow torch being blown up inside me.

I am now fully recovered and it is amazing!!! I am running a couple miles a day now and starting to tone up the old bod again.